inspired by the following:
" I was the one who survived to love you." -Bao Phi
i was the one who survived to love you.
you, you survived too and now our broken teenage selves are sharing whiskey and eye contact and swift radiating flutters.
how many times (so many times) my brain would tell me to quit in years before. each time i didnt, one step closer to your crisp covers, your fingers making webs between mine, you mouth like fire after being doused with the gasoline i siphoned off from before you. but for you.
you read to me. a wizard to a witch. a wizard to a wizard. a unicorn. you read the three childrens books i bought, my head in your arm pit nook. breathing you in and you smell like home.
piles of books, the deepest bath tub, abundant most perfectly cooked greens; the good in you radiates and you let it and you share it with me.
i will give you a heart to hold: warm calves resting on yours, an unwavering trust, looking at you without looking away. id like to.
i survived and sometimes i dont really believe i did. in days before, i couldnt find myself, the weight of my body heavier than my scale measured. a pile of bones collected and then dispersed. you took those bones, you took my bones and you cradled them. me. you sat me on your lap and whispered. i strained to hear but i knew every word. some times you get so quiet and i get so scared. some times my before threatens to break down the door of now. im sitting, knees bent up, head down, on the other side. some times its so hard to let you in. i can feel you knocking.
that you i didnt know, teenage you, early twenties you. i cant imagine you without your light. i cant imagine when it was dimmed so low. i bet that trying to keep that light on nearly killed you then, when you couldnt recognize yourself. not the self you knew at least, the self you were. but i see you and you are radiant. full bloom.
traces of you collect at my edges. they create new bridges to places left barren. i follow them. i take two steps back. i start again. after you bring me deep(er) than i have known, turn me inside out and gently anoint the softness you find inside, i burst and you ask and i told you it was like a sharp high shriek.
you bring your light and your blooms. your fire and you breath. you lay them next to me, never forcing me to choose.
we can give these things to each other.
we can say yes.