three sixty five times three
(A poem can begin with a lie. Adrienne Rich)
I do not love you, never did,
which is to say I love you more
than most things most days like
maybe more than me most days
but I’m working to hold us both
in my mind, alive in a tight-hearted clasp
at the same time.
Hold me as I rage.
Please hold me.
I know it’s not fair, I know
but the littlest parts of me
won’t stop guttural screaming.
you can’t stop it. It’s not fair to ask
(but I ask.)
I am a beast-thing,
a mad monster-child.
I am trying to find your hand in
a world I never
knew could live in me,
the world I felt on a mattress in Bushwick once.
(by you, I mean me.)
Which is to say I’ve already found your
hand, am gripping that hot thing,
I am gripping so not to lose your
I feel (god)dess here,
when our hands find each other,
even in a flash of a moment,
I feel it.
I find the fresh sprouts of yarrow growth here
it’s frond like, feather like fingers
all reaching out.
all reaching out,
all getting inside my gut my throat my.
I have never wanted to love something I
so easily, so slithery,
this love like that snake behind
your own-kissed shoulders
in an old image I got through
Slithery and yet, this love
is rooted down deep, down in the earth,
down in your hands and mine
in the earth.
(Can I break this thin film of the abstract without wounding myself of you? Adrienne Rich)
Which is to say, will you try
to live in this hand container with me?
We can leave and
now that we know what it feels like.
I’m willing to learn how to slip between skins
(I’m willing to learn how.)
Try to find me in that place that is
familiar and unfamiliar all at once.
If I could give you one
three hundred and sixty five times three later,
it would be for you to know
the tiniest parts in me
love all those tiniest parts in you.
When I say I love you I mean
I wanna see you get wild,
Hold yourself in front of yourself,
shake and spread like all the wishes that
of a changing shape dandelion,
when it turns into
Can I be a beast-thing,
and love you without wounding?
Can I try,